friendship – Millennial Middlings

Today I had another one of those weird mini breakdowns that was brought on by COVID-related stress. But it wasn’t because I was tired of not being able to do anything… It was kind of the opposite.

If I’m being perfectly honest, I have not been as careful as I was in the beginning of this pandemic. I have gone out to eat at restaurants with a couple close friends a few times, and today, in the midst of wondering when we’ll be able to see the light at the end of the pandemic tunnel, I realized that because of these outings, some people might not see me the same way. They might think I am reckless and/or selfish. They might think I don’t care about the virus, and that I am willing to put loved ones in danger by not staying quarantined the entire time.

That couldn’t be further from the truth. Despite my best efforts, I sometimes found myself in a mind state where I felt so alienated from the outside world that I craved companionship that felt closer to normalcy. In those moments, I happily accepted an invite out with friends so that I could reconnect with them in ways that social media couldn’t replicate: exchanging appreciative looks over delicious food, laughing at old inside jokes, and singing together enthusiastically to our favorite songs.

And today I felt guilty about that. Not just because of how others might see me, but also because I was disappointed in myself for not having enough willpower to stay at home like I’d vehemently chastised others to do back in March.

At the end of the day, I need to give myself grace. As much as I’d like to say I’m satisfied with the few moments I have had with friends, and that I will stay away from them for the duration of the pandemic, I can’t say with certainty that that’s true.

I can say that I will limit my excursions, and will quarantine myself before visiting folks that are in at-risk groups. I will continue to wear a mask when I’m out around people I don’t know, and will continue to socially distance when possible. I will continue to monitor COVID numbers in my city so that I’m not out gallivanting during a spike. And I will continue to remind myself that this situation is temporary, patience is key, and perspective is everything.

I’m constantly at odds with my wallet. I love going out with friends and discovering fun places to visit in the city: flea markets, restaurants, museums. But I also find a distinct pleasure in looking at my bank account at the end of the week and seeing that I’ve spent less than $50 on stuff. In the summer, it is all too easy to go outside and frolic in the sun… to go to a rooftop bar for happy hour and while away hours over margaritas and cheese fries.

Winter is a different story: the cold makes me rush home after work to curl up on the couch for an evening of Netflix and whatever Trader Joe’s meal I’ve slapped together for my husband and I. So when I go out and spend $60+ on an unplanned day of tomfoolery, I usually end up pontificating on the day’s purchases, kicking myself for spending money on things I could’ve saved on… “Why did I get a third vodka tonic? I shouldn’tve ordered the soft pretzel sticks; I knew we were going to get ramen later.” Etcetera, etcetera.

I know that this internal dialogue doesn’t solve anything; it’s really just a thing I do when I spend money that I didn’t expect to spend. I kinda wish I could turn that voice off; after all, the memories I make during these outings are priceless, and it’s not as if I’m jeopardizing my monthly student loan payment, or any other necessary expenses. It’s just that, a part of my brain sees these fun, random expenditures as a completely unnecessary money suck, a threat to my personal goal of saving beaucoup bucks for larger future plans.

There is a solution to this, but I’ve pushed it to the side because it requires planning: I need to start a “fun fund” that I dedicate to social outings; a budgeted amount that I set aside each paycheck so that I don’t feel guilty about spending. It needs to be cash. That way, I’m not handing my card over throughout the day an unlimited number of times. It’ll be a challenge, but it’s a challenge I’m willing to take on to instill good spending habits.

If you know me, you know that I’m kinda awkward. I’m not one of those people that can walk up to others and start an intriguing conversation on the spot. I have a tendency to overthink everything from my outfits to my mother’s text messages.

That being said, social media has definitely made it easier for me to express myself and connect with others. Even if I change my mind about something I’ve said, I can edit it or delete it. Woohoo!

As much as I appreciate the conveniences of Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook, I definitely see their weaknesses. Scrolling through one another’s feeds makes us feel like we are active participants in our friends’ lives. We can see photos from their adventures, laugh at their jokes, and express sympathy when they deliver sad news. But it’s not the same as hanging out with them. Social media outlets create an illusion of closeness that we have become comfortable with. No need to meet to catch up when you can get caught up on Facebook, right?

Sometimes it can be hard to keep up with it all, so I take periodic breaks from my screens. My favorite way to catch up with close friends is at a rooftop bar on a warm night over cocktails, so that’s been my go-to as of late. In this fast-paced world of swiping right and clicking “like,” it’s important to dedicate time to our relationships, minus the media.

Tag: friendship

Corona Chronicles

Wallet Woes