I guess we’re trending, now?

In recent news, the term “DINK,” – short for “double income, no kids” – and other similar terms have skyrocketed in popularity on social media. There has been mixed press… some folks have even co-opted the acronyms to create labels for parent lifestyles, which kinda defeats the purpose.

I’m not quite sure why there are so many offended parents attacking childfree influencers, telling them they are selfish. How is it selfish to choose not to add to the world’s population? To decide that we would be too exhausted, financially strained, overstimulated, or just plain unhappy if we had children? How is it selfish to opt out of the default life plan in an effort to try something different, in a way that doesn’t harm others?

Look, I get it… by choosing to not bring life info the world, we’re able/likely to focus more on ourselves. But how is that bad? Maybe we’re sparing a future kid from genetic anomalies, a history of mental illness, worsening climate change, financial instability, etc. Even if those less than ideal circumstances are not in the equation, there are plenty of us that uplift and nurture kids, be it as godparents, aunties, counselors, or teachers.

It feels like we have to defend our right to not have kids, which is ludicrous. The opposite doesn’t seem to be the case for folks that want to have kids. We are constantly asked if/when we are having kids, and when we say we don’t, people look at us like we spoke a different language. I shit you not, a random guy in a bowling alley parking lot asked my husband why we don’t want kids. When hubby mentioned the exorbitant cost as one of the reasons, the guy pulled out a wad of cash. Bizarre.

In any case, I’m happy to see that there has been so much buzz around our lifestyle. It feels like we are finally being seen as an growing cohort of people, instead of an obscure minority. Maybe other people will see that they can do what they want, instead of caving to societal pressures. You know, the way it should be, or whatever.

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Imposter Syndrome

I don’t know who coined it, but the phrase “sexuality is a spectrum” really resonates with me. 

On paper, I’m cisgender and straight: I identify as a woman and am married to a heterosexual man. But in reality, the term “heteroflexible” is much more my speed. The word recently had a red, squiggly line under it, denoting it’s lack of legitimacy, but when I came across it a few years ago, I had a very real sense of its appropriateness for my level of queerness: I am mostly straight, but am also somewhat attracted to women. I’ve known this for decades; it just didn’t have a term this specific at first; people who had been attracted to both sexes were labeled bisexual. 

So now, as Pride month comes to a close, I feel it’s time to make it plain somewhere other than private Facebook group chats and the like. But is that even necessary? Who needs to know? Who cares?

I feel like the addition of a rainbow flag emoji on my Instagram profile would be questioned. I definitely get the sense that my queerness has an asterisk; like I’m straight-passing or something of the sort.

I know that this quandary is somewhat pointless and yet, it crossed my mind a lot this month. Society’s obsession with putting folks into neat little boxes makes it harder for people to exist in the gray areas shamelessly. I hope one day those of us who do feel like we’re in a gray area feel more comfortable taking a step out of the shadows, even if it’s just in small ways.

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To Protect and Serve Whom?

I know Whoopi’s comment on “The View” the other day – Jan 30th, 2023 – seems extreme, but we are beyond exhausted. Nothing has deterred the police violence… if anything, it has gotten worse. They are on camera, abusing unarmed black people that are pleading for their lives, and yet they can gently escort white, convicted mass murderers like Dylann Roof to jail?! Make it make sense. 

The fact that the black cops who were charged with Tyre Nichols’ murder were fired – SWIFTLY – and Preston Hemphill was initially just suspended speaks volumes. (Sidenote: Fired cops are routinely rehired, often with backpay, so we can’t assume that justice was really served here.) The police force has put their own before the citizens it swore to protect for decades… constantly reinforcing the notion that non-cops are beneath them. There is a blatant disregard for human life that is deeply disturbing and far-reaching.

A lot of us are struggling with figuring out whether we should lean into our feelings to inspire discussions and go into problem-solving mode or choose to embrace numbness as a self-preservation method. 

De-escalation has been proven as an effective tactic for reducing violence in police interactions, but it is only mandated in about half of the states (21 States Still Don’t Require De-escalation Training for Police). 

As protected as their jobs are, it’s hard to imagine a day when cops that have records of repeatedly using force against nonviolent individuals face serious consequences from their superiors. So many traffic stops have turned deadly in recent years, it’s hard to keep up. Purchasing a car seems like more of a potential hazard than an adulting goal, at this point. The fuckery continues…

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A Moment of Awkward Silence…

um… Hi! I have yet again let my blog languish for a few months. My bad.

As I hurdle towards my 35th birthday, I am once again reminded that I’m “getting up there an age.” There is an Atlantic article pointing out a cringeworthy mistake my generation is apparently guilty of: the millennial pause. My question: Are we really supposed to care?

There are a million other things to be concerned with: climate change, decreasing bodily autonomy, the pandemic, the economy…

The media loves pigeonholing our generations and starting fake wars between us; it’s gotten a bit tired. So, some of us wait a beat before speaking on-camera; is that really such a big deal? It’s almost like they want something else to be annoyed about. Muy petty, if you ask me.

It’s extremely weird being constantly told that I’m doing stuff that makes me seem old when I don’t feel adulty enough: my husband and I are still not financially stable enough to take a tropical week-long vacation every year, we haven’t quite figured out what we’re doing career-wise, and we have yet to host Thanksgiving at our condo. It’s ok though, we are healthy and happy and are making it a habit to take a deep breath and live in the moment as often as possible. I guess pausing ain’t so bad after all…?

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An Unconceived Reality

I was reading an article the other day featuring an argument between Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen and Senator Tim Scott (at a Senate Banking Committee hearing) on abortion… and yet another wonky point popped up in their debate. Senator Scott referred to himself as “a guy raised by a black woman in abject poverty”. He apparently mentioned being thankful to be there. Beating the odds, as they call it. And to that I say, to him, and others like him, that’s all fine and good, but can you imagine what your childhood might have been like if your mother DIDN’T have to raise you in abject poverty?

Why is it so far-fetched to consider the fact that if you are meant to be born, you will be, and vice versa?

Plenty of pro-life folks like to ‘shoulda woulda coulda’ their way around human life, but they seem to be unable to grasp the concept that there are people who may not feel ready to have a child, and that they, maybe, just maybe would like to have a child on their terms, or maybe not at all. That potential baby that might’ve been born will still be born, if they are supposed to. Everyone here has a purpose, do they not? So why does it make sense to force someone to have a child when they were raped, or when they are at risk of dying, or when they are homeless, or when they will have to raise the child alone and not be able to provide for them? These same folks crying about the unborn babies haven’t opened orphanages or provided scholarships for the hypothetical children they are violently defending. They haven’t made it easier for those of us with wombs to achieve a fulfilling, financially stable way of life in preparation for us to make our own choices regarding our own damn bodies. So why should they have a say in the lives of others?  

The people who have the power to write/change these laws will always have access to the rights they are infringing upon.

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What Year Is It?!

I’m saddened that the ‘Don’t Say Gay’ bill has passed the Florida Senate, but I can’t say that I’m surprised. Unfortunately, there has been a lot of regression in terms of human rights movements as of late. Anti-CRT book bans, attacks on reproductive rights, and instances of police brutality have all been recurring U.S. news topics in the past few months. Among the three, there is a common thread: ignorance, and its tendency to incite fear in those who wallow in it. 

Fear has run amok: fear that children’s minds won’t be able to cope with history’s ugly truths, fear that education will lead to chaos, and fear that people who aren’t “put in their place” will overthrow those who are in power. I’m not sure where we go from here, but one thing is for sure: technology has become too big and too advanced to keep such backwards thinking prevalent.  People from all walks of life are making it their mission to spread the truth, and I’m grateful, because humanity will be better for it.

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Reformed Shopaholic?

I think I finally turned a page in terms of my shopping habits when the pandemic hit. Something about being in throngs of random people got reeeeeeally uncomfortable at the beginning of 2020, and that discomfort still hasn’t worn off two years later. As such, the way I shop has changed dramatically since then, and I’m gonna pat myself on the back a bit, because my wallet is a bit plumper because of it.

I haven’t been to a mall in a few weeks, and on my last visit, it all evened out because I returned two online purchases that totaled a bit less than what I spent that day. I used to go shopping every few weeks at a minimum, so this is big progress. In addition to curbing my spending by staying away from the mall, my clothing shopping has plummeted because wearing cute clothes is not as fun when you have nowhere to show them off. As of late, I’m working from home (thanks, Omicron!) and thus have less reasons to leave the house. Most of the time, I’m wearing sweatpants or sweatshirt dresses, so my skinny jeans are gathering dust.

The vast majority of my clothing shopping is done online. Poshmark is a favorite as of late. I’ve been able to find new replacements of garments that I wore in college! I’ve also saved hundreds of dollars on designer bags by purchasing gently used ones on the site. When it comes to jewelry, my Etsy favorites list grows by the day, but it’s nice to be able to ponder on potential purchases for several weeks before I take the plunge; resisting the urge to make impulse purchases has become a habit. I’m even considering making it a rule to only spend the profits that I make from my Etsy shop going forward. (I’ll let you know if I stick to it.) I look forward to the day when I don’t feel anxious about walking into a busy mall. But for now, I’m fine with window shopping from the safety of my screen.

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NamaStay

I’ve had a good Summer, COVID be damned.

I went to California for the first time with my husband last month, and we had a great time. We ate tacos almost every day and got more than our fair share of vitamin D in San Diego. Palm trees and margaritas… what more can you ask for?

As Fall comes creeping around the corner, I’m already pondering on the inevitability of a long stretch of indoor activities. But that’s ok, I’m looking forward to a change of pace, even if that means continuing to don a mask. Hotels are cheaper in the cooler months, which means we can get back to one of our favorite self-care practices: taking staycations.

There’s something calming about taking a weekend away, even when it’s not far from home. Some of my favorite perks are the little things… like not having to make the bed, taking a shower in a bathroom that’s nicer than ours, blackout curtains, and cable TV. Plus it’s kinda fun to explore an area through the eyes of a tourist.

I have a few tips for those of you who want to follow suit:

  • Try to pack light. Remember, you’re only going for a night. No need to bring 2 extra pairs of shoes, nor your entire medicine cabinet.
  • Keep an eye on the weather. Bring a sweater or jacket for chillier night temperatures.
  • Must haves: an extra pair of cozy socks (use them as bedroom shoes), disinfectant wipes for the remote and other common surfaces, phone charger
  • And most importantly: ENJOY YOURSELF!

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The Myth of Work/Life Balance

Working from home isn’t as breezy and convenient when you are forced to do so, with no alternative. This is not just because collaboration is restricted to phone calls and Zoom meetings… There is a certain added weight when you have to consider the ramifications of leaving the house during a pandemic.

I’ve arrived at the conclusion that when it comes to WFH (especially now), work/life balance is a made-up concept. If you are like me, you have noticed that the lines become a lot more blurred when your commute is a 5-second walk instead of a 30-minute train ride into the city.

There are a few factors that come into play here…

  1. There is less (or zero) pressure to get dressed. When you no longer have to decide which work-appropriate shirt, pants, shoes, and accessories will comprise the day’s outfit, there is a certain carefreeness that results. For me, it is a blessing and a curse, because the way I dress affects my mood, and if I throw on random, non-matching pieces that are super comfortable, my brain is not in “Rise and grind!” mode. I don’t want to get in the habit of wearing sweats and a t-shirt every single day; it adds to the monotony that is COVID life.
  2. Your living quarters are also your work quarters. We live in a condo, not a house. About half of my friends do, so they have a designated office (or 2) in their homes. My work space is a round dining room table that also serves as my Etsy (jewelry) shop workspace. When you literally cannot separate your home space from your work space, it makes it a lot more difficult to set up boundaries between the two. I unplug my large desktop monitor at 6ish pm each Friday and put it on the floor against the wall to force myself to take a break from work for the weekend. If I didn’t, I GUARANTEE that I’d be tempted to get a head start on a few work projects on my days off. I’m home most of the time, so why not? It would be similar to if I lived in the building I worked in: the convenience of being so close would override my need to take a break.
  3. We are anxious about leaving the house because of the pandemic. There was a period of time in 2020 when I would make myself leave the house a couple times a week for walks. Now that there is a newer, more contagious strain of the virus going around, I’m less inclined to go outside except to run necessary errands. It doesn’t help that it is about 40 degrees outside at any given time right now… I am not a fan of winter weather.
  4. It’s easy to lose track of time. All too many times, I’ve buried myself in my work only to look up and realize it’s 1:30pm and I haven’t had lunch. I often ate at my desk when I worked at the office, so being at home is not much different, save for the fact that I use the stove instead of the microwave for my lunches. There aren’t any restaurants in walking distance to me, and the fees for delivery can get pretty ridiculous, so I cook every. single. day. I can’t really complain: I have food in the house. But I’d be lying if I didn’t say that I miss the Friday bagel runs I used to make with my coworkers, or the occasional blackened catfish sandwich I’d grab at the bar across the street from my job.

Something’s gotta give. It’s too easy to get stuck in a rut these days… I’m going to make a conscious effort to shake things up by ordering breakfast or lunch every few weeks and adding a calendar reminder for a weekly walk around the block. Cozy clothes aside, this WFH shit is getting old.

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